Have you experienced challenges while breastfeeding? I only know a handful of moms who had a smooth-sailing experience. Whether breastfeeding didn’t work for you at all, or you experienced even one incident of a blocked duct (I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone), it seems we’ve all been there in the trenches. So lets not sugar coat this breastfeeding gig any longer. Yes, there are beautiful moments, but it can also be extremely challenging.
Why am I talking about this now, seven months after I stopped nursing Wyatt? Blame it on the recent series finale of ‘Girls,’ aptly named ‘Latching’. I’m already head over heels for this show, but with a title like that, knowing the main character Hannah was about to have a baby, I was even more intrigued and thus curious as to which envelopes would be pushed.
Spoiler alert…
In the series finale episode, Hannah’s struggling. Baby Grover won’t latch. This was us! Wyatt didn’t latch for nearly three weeks. (Don’t worry – I won’t give away what happens in the episode, just in case you haven’t seen it yet), but I will let you in on what happened with us.
I was absolutely determined to breastfeed our baby. I took a breastfeeding course while seven months pregnant, bought my nursing pillow and my amazing girlfriends gifted me a Freestyle Medela deluxe pump: the Cadillac of breast pumps. There I was with – visions of breastfeeding our baby while lunching with friends. Wyatt, perfectly-latched and comfy in his organic cotton onesie with me in a breezy summer maxi dress, sipping a sangria, laughing in the pure bliss of great company. (Sounds like the making of a perfect Instagram post, doesn’t it?)
Fast-forward to immediately after Wyatt was born.
Our Breastfeeding Struggles
I’m hunched over the side of my hospital bed, desperately trying to express milk from my massively-engorged breasts into a bottle ( which I then would put into a syringe and feed my baby). I’m puffed up like a fish, I’m still coming down from the meds, I’m happy and tired and smelly and confused as to why my little nugget won’t latch on. Looking back I wonder why there isn’t more help right off the bat?! I had a very positive hospital birth, but no one really helped me with breastfeeding. Isn’t feeding my kid the most important part? I had my husband Ryan call the Lactation Consultant, who’d led our breastfeeding class. At that point, I didn’t care if I paid for it out of Wyatt’s college fund: we needed help. I was going to breastfeed. That was it.
To make a very long story short, my LC visited us twice and was a huge support over text for weeks afterwards. I came close to throwing in the towel every single day. Eventually, Wyatt latched and we rocked the breastfeeding game until he reached 15 months. During that time, I had blocked ducts on three separate occasions, and a one-week span where he screamed every time I put him on my boob. I’ve had friends whose babies didn’t latch at all, I’ve had friends who nursed their babes until the age of almost three. I’ve heard it all. Everyone’s story is different, but I hope by sharing a bit of our experience it helps you – perhaps makes what you’re going through seems normal (because it likely is). Hang in there, Mama!
My Breastfeeding Confessions:
- I’m still producing milk out of my right boob, seven months after we stopped breastfeeding. (Apparently, this is normal.)
- I’ve pumped while driving. (Before you issue me a ticket, officer, keep in mind it’s a hands-free pump.) Multitasking at it’s finest.
- I pumped for the first three weeks of Wyatt’s life, and fed him my milk through a syringe until he latched. Why the syringe? I was told not to introduce the bottle too early to avoid nipple confusion. (He had a soother at two weeks and a bottle at one month. Nipple confusion wasn’t an issue).
- I used formula a few times instead of nursing, just so I could enjoy some wine. I didn’t have time to pump those days, and I really deserved a glass of my favourite red. (Moms: your mental health is important!)
- I didn’t love nursing in public. I always thought I’d be the person who’d breastfeed anywhere, but once I was into it, the whole thing felt awkward. It’s a very intimate experience, and I simply didn’t feel like putting everything on display. I fully endorse breastfeeding in public, so please don’t misinterpret what I’m saying. It may have something to do with the fact that Wyatt disliked being covered while nursing. so I was constantly exposed. Perhaps with our next baby, now that I have the confidence, I’ll be a public breastfeeder (is that a word?)!
If breastfeeding is the route you choose to go, I wish you the absolute best. If it doesn’t work out, don’t beat yourself up. Keep it simple: one way or another, feed your kid. Ultimately, that’s all that matters!
Photos: Nicole Ashley
Any questions? I would love to hear from you. You can also read about our sleep training experience here.
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xx
Thank you for sharing this! When I went through my darkest days breastfeeding, it was so isolating and I felt like the biggest failure. More people need to talk about it. Hate that you went through what you did, but love that you are letting other mamas know they’re not alone. 🙂
Thank you, Mama! I’m so with you! We need to talk more about all of these things. <3
Thank you for writing this ❤️
If there is one thing our society needs, it is to normalize breastfeeding so we can have more exposure to it. Our access to funded competent breastfeeding support is highly lacking everywhere in the world. It should be one of the utmost priorities for the healthcare system- as it highly impacts the health of a child.. for life. Women and children deserve the best and everyone deserves access to these services, along with our care providers being UP TO DATE on safe infant feeding practices.
I look forward to working with you in possible future endeavours so we can make this a reality for everyone.
Yes! Me too. Let me know how I can help.
I am with you %100. If it works, wonderful but if not, no worries. Personally, I feel very fortunate to have been able to nurse both of my kids up until 13-14 months. It was one of the most incredible bonding experiences I’ve had with my babies & I loved it.
I feel very fortunate that no one ever gave me a hard time for nursing in public, which I had no problems doing. Had that occurred though, they would have gotten a mouthful from me.
My struggle came when my son started biting during feeding. He was about seven or eight months old & he started biting. It was very frustrating because I didn’t know how to deal with it and after a few nibbles he bit so hard, he drew blood. I was devastated because I was not ready to stop nursing and I thought that was the only way. I’m not sure if it was the trauma of me screaming & crying but after that one time of drawing blood, he never did it again & we continued until he was 14 months old.
I always hope for new mother’s to have the opportunity to breastfeed simply because of the emotional bond it helped me create with both of my babies. 💖🌈🦄
It is SO special. I remember being sad after it was over but now we snuggle and read books which is such great bonding time too.
Your poor nipples! Ouch! We had that a bit too and Wyatt’s little nails digging into my skin. My boobs were torn to shreds.
Thanks for writing in! <3
My breastfeeding experience was similar in tone, but opposite in result. I had some complications come up at the end of my pregnancy. My son was breech and at 39 weeks my fluid levels were low enough to be of concern and the doctors saw something in terms of blood flow to the placenta that worried them on ultrasound, so I had a cold C-section. My beautiful Troy was born without me experiencing a single contraction or ever going into labour. My body was never flooded with all the hormones from labour that tell your body to make milk. When I was pregnant I was also determined to breastfeed exclusively. My mother had breastfed me until I was 2. I’d been leaking colostrum since the second trimester. In the hospital, he was latching well although I often needed help from the nurses to position him and get him on my breast. They measured his blood sugar after every feeding and things were going well. After 3 days in the hospital, they discharged me. Two days later, a health centre nurse came to my house to remove my staples. She was young and likely inexperienced. When she asked me questions about how he was feeding, and learned that he was not having the “appropriate” number of dirty diapers and that there was still “rust” in his pee, she became extremely alarmed and told me that he was starving and dehydrated and that he was in serious danger of brain damage if I didn’t give him formula right away. I cried and cried and sterilized the bottles we received as hand-me-downs from a friend that I never planned to use and gave my baby formula. In the weeks that followed, I saw a nurse at the health centre who told me how to get my supply up by pumping after every feeding. My doctor wrote me a scrip for Domperidone. I saw a BF specialist. Most of my waking hours seemed to be devoted to feeding, supplementing with formula and pumping. I was miserable and could barely pump out an ounce of milk in half an hour. I had lost all confidence in my body to make what my baby needed. And for all the pumping, I was still relying on formula to give him 80% of his nutrition. I was never really able to pump more than a couple of ounces
at once. When I quit Domperidone, my milk production pretty much quit altogether. I pumped out that last watery batch and that was the end. I stopped nursing at 3 months. I felt a lot of guilt, like I hadn’t tried hard enough or let my baby down. After I quit nursing completely, a dairy allergy manifested and we had to switch to hypoallergenic formula. I felt like that was my fault too. He is now almost 11 months and my guilt about failing at breastfeeding has gotten lighter. But it is important for people to realize that breastfeeding does not work for everyone no matter how much they might want to, and when people suggest that formula feeding moms are lazy, they don’t know what they’re talking about. Formula feeding is expensive and it is a lot of work and presents its own set of challenges. Like you say, making sure baby is well-fed is the most important thing.
I couldn’t agree more! Thank you for posting this. I’m sorry to hear what you went through. Troy is lucky to have you as his mama! I’m so glad we’re talking about this. I wish I had these stories before Wyatt was born so I knew what I was truly getting into with feeding. <3
I spent 3 long painful months with a crying newborn no one could console. I had all of the pressure to breast feed and pressured myself as I work with sick babies and see the importance.
Finally I found out I had a low supply and my poor boy was hungry.
I went to a lactation consultant weekly, for over 3 months, dragging myself and my new son out in the dead of winter. We tried medications, pumping regimes, herbal supplements, nothing would work.
We tried to give him a bottle with formula cut with breast milk. After 3 months of being exclusively breast fed, he refused the bottle. I felt trapped between two worlds and not understood by breast feeding moms nor formula feeding moms.
I spent 3 times a day pumping to mix with formula when I could have spent that time with my son.
I find so many blogs share about sticking with breast feeding and how it’s worth it and the benefit. I feel the need to share my story as I did everything in my power and could not do breast feeding.
Every mother has a story and some of simply did not CHOOSE to quit. Some of us were told we had to, for spending 3 hours a day to pump a total of 3 oz was not worth the time or efforts. For some of us, it cast a dark shadow of already magnified post partum emotions.
I now have a 6 month old who takes a bottle of formula quite well and I wish 6 months ago someone would have talked about a story like mine. Those of us who took the classes prenatal, bought the pump, talked to friends for advice, and sought professional help and still could not breast feed.
I was told in the AHS class that your body would produce enough milk. It would feed off of supply and demand. I am here to share that Is not always the case.
FED Is best is now my motto.
Thank you so much for sharing this! What a journey. I really believe sharing our stories will help other moms and families going through the same thing. Sending you love, mama! <3
My breastfeeding experiences were very similar to Kasia and Carly’s. With my first child I was not mentally prepared that breastfeeding would be such a huge challenge for me. I went to all the classes while I was pregnant, I read the books, and after my baby was born I met with a lactation consultant, I pumped, was on medication and herbal supplements, and I still couldn’t produce enough milk to feed my son. It was a horrible feeling because everywhere I looked I was told that breastfed is best, so in my already fragile postpartum state, within a few weeks of my baby being born I already was not doing the best for him.
When I was pregnant with my second child, my daughter, I was convinced that breastfeeding would be a success this time around because I knew what to expect and could troubleshoot my way through any barriers. In fact what happened is that with my daughter the experience was even worse. Although my first child was perfectly healthy being formula fed, I still let myself get taken over by everything and everyone telling me breast was best, and I was determined to breastfeed my second child. I had a c-section with both children, and my breasts never engorged…in fact, throughout both pregnancies I stayed in my pre-pregnancy bras! With both children I never pumped out more than one ounce of milk during a pumping session.
With my daughter, my c-section incision ruptured six days after giving birth, and I found myself sitting in the Royal Alexandra emergency room with my baby, husband, and breast pump. In between waiting five hours to see a doctor and trying to feed my baby, I would go and pump in the washroom in absolute tears, all while I was bleeding from my stomach. The tears were because I felt like such a failure as a mother…I couldn’t do the one thing my body was naturally supposed to do: feed my child.
It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that I couldn’t breastfeed my kids. And I tell you, the pressure I put on myself to breastfeed really did a number on me mentally. My children are now three and four years old, and I feel like I’m just now coming to the surface and seeing the light after a lot of darkness for the past few years. The PPD I had certainly was not all related to my issues with breastfeeding, but looking back I wish I had had more confidence in myself to be okay with the fact that breastfeeding was not going to happen for us, instead of putting myself through the torture that I did.
Today my children, who were formula-fed, are healthy, smart, social, happy. They are, in my eyes, perfect. I have noticed the conversation changing, even in the few short years since I was pregnant, where there seems to be more of a shift to the thinking of “fed is best”…I feel like this is such a positive shift and I hope it continues. Breastfeeding is beautiful. Formula feeding is beautiful. Happy, healthy moms are the most beautiful ❤️
Oh my goodness – I teared up reading your post. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry you went through this and I’m so happy to hear you’re in a better place mentally. Fed is best, for sure! Keep sharing your story. I truly believe you’re making a difference by doing so. Much love, mama!
Fed is best!